I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
