I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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