So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize
