You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I have fence marks all over my body
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
