if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize