The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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