So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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