Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
