i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
