I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
