wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
