I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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