i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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