you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
