Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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