I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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