She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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