my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
