I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
cat food counts as protein by the way
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
