He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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