i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
