I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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