Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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