Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
