we have pet lesbian snakes
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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