you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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