I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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