the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
