I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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