You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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