Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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