I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
