Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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