i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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