My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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