I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You don't make any sense
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