Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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