I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
