If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Randomize
