she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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