i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
