i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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