Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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