I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
