i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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