cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
