i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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