just survived the first fart of the relationship.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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