there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
