U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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