Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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