you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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