I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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