I want to make a zoo with you.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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