Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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