there was a trapeze. enough said
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
