Pappa wants mamma naked
that's an acceptable place to lick
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize