Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
