This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Still dying that you shit outside
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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