I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
