Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
